Must Love Dogs

               So after all that hype I guess you’re probably wondering how it went.  You know, the meeting of the family.  Or not.  Whatev.  The answer is – we’re still dating.  So I guess there’s your answer.  Of course two days after we got back he needed me to babysit his dog for four whole days, by myself, which is way more than 1.5 days with my family, so that could be why.  We made it to Boston without a hitch.  Made it to NH after a minor detour that resulted in me being super anxious and therefore being allowed to listen to country music for the rest of the drive.  He’s a wise man. 

                He got a preview of the extended fam Friday night – promised not to remember anyone’s, which he did not.  Promised my Gram he’d compliment her on her hair-do for the wedding, which he did.  He’s good like that. 

                Met the kids in the church – I pointed to the row of people that all look like me.  They all turned around to stare at him before the wedding started.  The ceremony was beautiful – I could not be happier for the two of them.  I forgot to bring the tissues from my gift bag the bride left for her out of town guests.  That was a mistake.  What? I’m a crier.  Boyfriend rolls his eyes and laughs at me.  We had a way fun time at the reception – I’m not a dancer but my little sisters were breaking. it. down.  We did get in one slow dance in the beginning.  He promised not to make me dizzy – proving that sometimes he hears what I tell him. (Noted.)

                Anyway.  He still loves me.  And I still love him.  And he went to Vegas to visit his family and left me with his dog, who I do not love, for four days, and I fed him when I was supposed to, so he was still alive when Boyfriend got home, so I say all’s well that ends well?  He was all ‘you two bonded while I was gone didn’t you.’  Well if you call sitting in the computer room with the door closed while I got super awesome at my timed mahjong game for like six hours straight so he couldn’t come in and ruin my life with his vomit inducing farts again bonding, then yes, we did that.

I'm so good at this game. You don't even know.

                The good news is, next time he goes to Vegas to visit his family I’m going with him. (!!)  Which means – I will finally journey west of the Mississippi River.  It also means that he has to love me at least until October because we already booked our flights. 

                In other news Half-marathon training starts today. T-minus 12 weeks.  Also True Blood came back into my life last night.  I think that’s everything.  Happy Monday people.

Friday Flashback

                After reading – technically ex-boss-lady’s Friday Flashback post we were chatting about how I’m hopeful that no one shows up later in life with surprise pictures of my childhood and some of the reasons why I might be concerned. 

                If you thought the Grinch photo was the worst of it – you might be wrong.  If you thought I was going to show you photos to prove your inaccuracies you are also wrong.  I will, however, admit my fashion shortcomings to you now.

                Three reasons why my childhood photos should be kept in a safe for eternity.  Or Burned.

1. I had a pair of khaki colored jeans – that I wore. All. The. Time. With a flannel zip up shirt by like Arizona Co. that was all zig-zag plaid-ish. So that wasn’t cute. Oh and I totally wore it zipped all the way up. :(
   
   
2. My bangs (gulp) were too short for curling. That didn’t stop me. I looked like I had a freaking curler in my hair or taped to my forehead. Totally not cute.
   
   
3. In grammar school I wore like 16 metal hair clips in my hair all the time. I found that if I did not a sibling would take my clips so I thought I would have none. So rather than putting them in a secret place for safe keeping – I put them in my hair for safe keeping. Probably could have picked up some satellite radio stations with all the metal on my head. Definitely not awesome.

All of these - on my head. At the same time.  Why did no one stop me?

So – as I said, hopefully no one has any photo documentation of these dark days.  And if you do, how about you do us all a favor and light them on fire.  Also, I’m pretty sure these things help Boyfriend confirm that I was so not a cool kid growing up, directly in contrast to how awesome he thinks he’s been since birth.  Don’t worry.  I tell him that I’m sure that he was not always the most awesome person in the world.

Meet and Greet

                Well it’s June.  Which means – by my imprecise calculations, me and Boyfriend have been dating for two years.  What have I learned in two years?  Many things.  A few highlights would be: he and I have nothing in common except True Blood and the New York Yankees, he only wears gray or blue shirts, contrary to my previous thinking that I only like bulldogs – I’m pretty sure I like zero dogs, and Boyfriend does not prefer to travel if he can A.) come up with a list of chores that need to be done B.) tolerate my whining long enough so I have to leave without him  C.) gets me to agree that he has no business participating in whatever it is that I am trying to get him to do.  So far so good for him – until this weekend.

                **Note - I’m the kind of person that “this weekend” means the one up and coming.

                This weekend my cousin is getting married, in New Hampshire.  Boyfriend is coming with -  mostly against his will and quite possibly against my better judgment.  I am having anxiety.  You see, he’s yet to meet my fam – except for one sister and one brother and one niece.   Unfortunately, for him, that’s not even the half of them.  It’s the perfect scenario really – he doesn’t travel, they do not travel so now that the stars have aligned and everyone has to travel to the same place- guess it’s time for a meet and greet.

                As you may or may not know, I am the oldest of nine children.  So if you’re doing the math that’s nine people Boyfriend has yet to meet.  He couldn’t list them all if you offered him a million dollars – he doesn’t do names well.  I’m pretty sure, by this point, he knows the names to identify them as related to me when I speak of them – no longer forcing me to pre-empt my stories with ‘my sister/brother…’ So maybe it will help him to have a face to go with the name?  Or.  It’s just going to be a wall of people who all know who he is and he wouldn’t recognize if they were all wearing name tags?  Personally, I think we all look alike.  Of course I lived with all of them for years so I might not be the right person to ask.  I offered to set him up with some study cards – he declined. 

                I’m totally not worried about Boyfriend – he’s a perfectly reasonable person and he can hold his own with the relatives.  I’m just pretty sure he’s going to be all ‘we can’t have that many people needing places to stay when they visit Niagara Falls – so we need to break up.’  I asked him to sign something saying he’ll still date me after.  He agreed saying it would never hold up in court.  And when I amended the contract so that there has to be one witness – he said he’d get back to me.   I’m a thousand percent counting on the niece to work some magic and distract my Gram from asking him a zillion questions.  Plus the baby totally says his name and not mine so I'm pretty sure everyone is going to get a kick out of that.  (Which is totally not fair because I spent two and a half days listening to Elmo and Dora and he spent fifteen minutes talking to her while he was getting ready for work. I think she does it on purpose.)

                                     Stay tuned.

I feel like she's plotting how to run Boyfriend's defense already?

Change of Pace

                Back in the day – like when I just assumed I would obviously someday choose to have kids I was all “I’m going to be the kind of mom that gets up every day at 6am to shower and put on my makeup before I start the day.”  Now I’m all if I ever accidentally have a kid I’m hiring a nanny to come over so I can do things that are important to me – like shower. 

Last week I babysat my niece for two and a half days (with the help of my brother) and let me just tell you I’m hopping right back on that “Babies ‘R Not For Me” train again.  I know I’m only 25, and I’m not getting married any time soon so this is essentially a non-issue – but I was driving that train right after my sister had her baby and a year and half later I was starting to think maybe I shouldn’t be making such a decisive statement.  Then she came to visit.

Don’t get me wrong – my niece is an incredibly simple child.  She loves her naps.  She hardly cries.  Eating is a struggle – she turned down the cheese quesadilla and dipped her raisins in the sour cream one night for dinner.  She did, however, demolish the treats we got her from Dunkin Donuts.  Here’s the thing though.  She never sits still.  And no it’s not just because I gave her two munchkins. 

Also, the concept of repetition is lost on this tiny person.  She only said like four phrases for the whole time she was here.  Not that she can't say more things.  She just likes to say the same things. A lot.  Boyfriend seems to think that us grownups are just making her gibberish sound like words but let me tell you the baby knows what she’s saying.

Baby:  “Elmo Whaa Whaa?”

Me/Brother: “What? Water?”

Baby: “Elmo Whaa Whhhaaa??”

Me/Brother: (Hesitantly)  “Elmo Quack Quack?”

Baby: “YEEEAAA!!”

Me: “I’m going to shoot myself in the face.”

Brother:  “Ohhhh no.  You’re not getting out of this that easily.”

She literally asked for Elmo Quack Quack on YouTube at least 47 million times and simultaneously was hoping to listen to the Dora the Explorer theme song.  She was all “Do Do?  Mo Do Do.”  And Brother was all trying to reason with this irrational person with “You chose Elmo.  You’re watching Elmo!” To which she obv was all “Mo Do Do?”  *Face Palm*

Speaking of Dora - where are her parents?  One episode we watched Dora was all "my mom packed my blueberries for a snack today."  Oh really.  Great mom you have there.  Gives you some berries and sends you out into the jungle, where we all know there is that villain fox on the loose, with nothing more than a singing backpack and a monkey who wears red boots.  I'm thinking someone needs to call CPS.  Do we know where Dora lives?

Anyway, we took my niece to the Buffalo Zoo – thinking she would be pumped to see things like animals.  She was more interested in the other babies in strollers.  We’d stop at an exhibit and we’d be all “Do you see that? Oh they’re sleeping. Shhh.”  As we stoop down to stroller eye level to confirm that she could, in fact, see the animal from her vantage point – had she not been looking at the kids running around behind us or pointing to the path and telling us she’s bored with “More?” 

After 2 hours of entertainment and my brother insisting that all he wants to see in the whole world is an ocelot.  Which, come to find out the Buffalo Zoo does house an ocelot – unfortunately it was not in its display.  We finally find a duck.  And me and Brother were all “Look! Quack Quack!” and the baby was all bored and pointing to keep moving…”More?”  Turns out?  All that Elmo Quack Quack nonsense?  Has nothing to do with the ducks.  Who knew? 

This is when I learned that it clearly takes 2 grownups to manage one mobile toddler.  I also concluded that all you people who have more than one of these people, on purpose, are saints and maybe a super hero because – there is no way I am cut out for that kind of chaos in my life.  I napped both days for two hours while she slept and her mother was the one who got up with her at 6am.  But I still couldn't pull off a full day.  Note to self though.  If I ever have a kid - I will tackle and/or karate chop any person who even attempts to introduce them to Elmo or that crazy bi-lingual child explorer. 

In case you too had no idea what the crap an ocelot is.

Come. On.

                I don’t consider myself a particularly friendly person.  I try to avoid people for the most part because I suck as making small talk.  It is torturous when I see people trying to think of something to say to me in awkward situations like – waiting in line for something.  Or in an elevator – which thankfully I never have to take those because I’m super scared of them. Or unfortunately walking the same route as someone else to parking lot. And most recently I've been unable to dodge some conversations that have left me wondering 'is this real life?!' 

                At work as I’m doing my best to keep my eyes open and my head down so I can get coffee and water for my oatmeal packet without speaking to any humans because well – I am no morning person:

                Man:     “You’ve got that oatmeal measurement down huh?”

                Me:        “Yes.”

               Whhhat?  It is of no concern of yours what my preferred oatmeal to water ratio is.

                Next day – same person, second cup of coffee and therefore no more oatmeal:

   Man:     “Finished your oatmeal already?”

   Me:        “Yes.”

   Now it’s certainly no concern of yours what I ate for breakfast.  But thanks.

At work, as I was leaving, wearing my North Face over my dress - so I didn’t have to carry it:

                Man:     “You look like you’re dressed for summer from the waist down.”

                Me:        “Oh. Ha. My office is chilly.”

                Man:     “Too bad we can’t see the top of that dress.”

                Me:        “Oh.”

                  Awkwardddd.

                Leaving work a different day after I made the mistake of not wearing heels – which apparently is messing with everyone’s sense of morality or something?

                Man:     “It’s so weird not to see you in high heels.”

                Me:        “Oh. “

                Man:     “I mean I’m just so used to seeing you in heels.”

                Me:        “Ok.”

              Man:     (Who ruined my plan to park at an alternate door as to avoid continuing such thrilling conversations by also parking by that door)  Proceeds to tell me some story about a different girl that I don’t know, who almost fell down the stairs because she wears heels and something about Karma because he thinks she’s a B-word.

                Me:        (Grateful to finally be in the parking lot)  Have a good evening.

               Why is my footwear a matter of national security?! Sometimes I like to wear comfortable shoes.  Incidentally, those flats are less comfortable than my heels.  But whatev.

                So with that being said, I’m thinking I’m going to implement a high five policy.  I’m going to just high five people who say things to me that I don’t think they should be saying.  I don’t think you can leave someone hanging right?  They’ll have to high five me back.  And then the next time they want to try and think of something to say to me they’ll remember that I’m the girl who high fived them and they prob won’t know why I did that and maybe that won’t want to roll the dice on that happening again and they’ll slow they’re roll and take the hallway at a more staggered pace as to avoid having to come up with something brilliant to say to me?  Thoughts?

                Concerns.  I’m slightly OCD and high fiving people constantly would force me to have to up the hand washing count - which is already pretty high.  I can’t handle any more antibacterial gel – my hands see enough of that when I go places and touch door handles, use shopping carts, pump gas, sign credit card slips with the same pen the whole entire world uses or go to the ATM.  Pretty much after I touch things any other person else might have touched before me.  I don’t trust that people didn’t choose to wash their germy hands with body wash rather than anti-bacterial hand soap after using the restroom resulting in pomegranate scented germs being transferred to the door handles. 

 I’m thinking I’ll need to use the fist pound instead.  Less personal contact.  To be determined whether or not I’ll incorporate the explosion.  But seriously, if people feel like they need to talk to me – they do not.  And if you feel like you need to get me to ask you a question by sighing loudly to initiate the conversation – I will not.  I will, however, stop resisting the urge to congratulate you for being such an awesome conversationalist.  

Welcome to Atlanta Where the Playas Play

Boyfriend:  “Today is going to be the worst day ever!”

Me: “Because I’m leaving?”

Boyfriend: “…Yes….and because I could fall asleep standing up.”

                This year, so far, has been my biggest travel year life to date.  Four trips booked or taken, thus far, and all east of the Mississippi - as to maintain my claim to fame that I have never been west of that river.   I have no aversion to traveling west.  I just don’t know people who live there who want me to come see them.  Anyway, last Thursday I took my third trip of 2011.  Went to Atlanta, GA, to see my oldest and dearest friend.   (She’s not old.  We’ve just been friends since diapers.  And she bought me a teddy bear with a yellow ribbon around his neck for my first birthday party ever.)  Apparently that’s the equation for a life time of Michael W. Smith “Friends are Friends Forever” friendship? 

                I’ve probably flown only ten times my whole entire life.  Maybe twelve.  Doesn’t matter.  And I’ve flown to see her like four of those times.  Thankfully she’s always lived in much more desirable climates than I have – even though Niagara Falls is supposedly the honeymoon destination of the world.  Which – if you’re planning your honeymoon, I’d say maybe breeze by this location in the travel guide.  You’ll certainly be sorely disappointed.  Anyway, she wisely, went to college in West Palm Beach, FL.  And lucky for me – I visited there a few times to defrost for a week or so on spring breaks.  Now she lives in Atlanta.  And after this “Spring” we’ve had - which has been alternating rain and snow until like yesterday when we switched over to just rain, I was ready to see some sun.     

                Friday was beautiful – like gorgeous, and we sat by the pool for an hour.  This is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I got some sun.  Was careful not to get burned. (High five from Mom?)  And then we went shopping.  I bought zero shoes and only dresses - still following my plan to only buy dresses and shoes for the rest of my life.  Probably won’t last long, but that’s all I want right now - so if you have a link to awesome dresses send it my way. (Facebook already told me about ModCloth – but I’m open to any and all others.)  So pretty much awesome day.  Poolside and mall sounds like a little piece of heaven.  Well until my friend’s daughter filled her diaper with something I’ve never seen come out of a tiny human before in my life.  (And I’ve changed more than two diapers.)  Kids, always good for a laugh – and an inopportune need for a new diaper.

                I think the diaper was a sign of things to come because from that point on everyone except me and the baby was SICK with capitals S-I-C and K.  Worked out well that I was there to hold the baby.  And to make magic cupcakes.  Which apparently a few ended up in the sink in another comedy of errors that involved a diaper change.  But I had a so fun time seeing my friends and meeting their baby.  And now the good TSA people of Atlanta have a picture of naked me instead of someone’s Gram.  Good of them to switch us and let her go through the metal detector and me through the x-ray picture taker machine after I had gotten in the metal detector line - on purpose.

                Also thanks to the Phillies being in town we missed out on a Ludacris and Jermaine Dupri concert at Turner Field – which I would have sang right along with them because who doesn’t want to be welcomed to Atlanta where you can “...hit streets, see gangsta’s roamin’ and parties don’t stop till eight in the mornin’ “ by Ludacris himself?  Worked out anyway because of the throwing up sickness that happened. Plus i don't like the Phillies.  And I super don't like them in their throwback jerseys.  So it was for the best that we missed it.  

See?  Stupid. And ugly.

               As far as my 2011 travels go - Atlanta wins this year.  Based on the fact that I didn't have to walk anywhere.  And it was WARM.  And I got to meet the baby. I should very much like to go back there again some time.  Now we just have to hope I don't get the plague they had.

                 

Keeping up With the Joneses...and Maybe Even the Kardashians?

                It’s 2011.  People have smart phones.  And by people, I mean mostly everyone in the whole entire world carries a phone that does more than talk and text.  And everyone now includes my boyfriend.  As of last Saturday.  We went to Verizon and got him his iPhone.  And he thinks it’s magic.  Personally, I’m on my second BlackBerry so I think that makes me a smart phone user for like three years. The magic is long gone.  Now it’s a necessity.  And I’m your stereotypical BlackBerry user – the girl that literally gets anxiety when that little red light is flashing.  I can do nothing else until I make it stop.  Even though it’s nothing urgent.  I mean no one is going to email/text me to tell me someone died.  It’s usually just email from Shutterfly trying to get me to buy some pictures, or a book of pictures, or a mug with a picture on it.

                Anyway for a new smart phone owner I guess it looks like magic.  So far these are the magical things it does.  It has Google Maps.  It encouraged him to get a Gmail account.  It has Pandora.

                “You do realize that all the smart phones have been doing all these things for years right? And also that I’ve had a Pandora account for the better part of a decade.”

                “But look how awesome this is.”

                “Please turn off that crap before I throw your new phone into a wall”  Evil pouty face until it stops.   

What? He was playing loud, shoot em up, Gangsta, eff your  Mother music from the early 90’s – during the commercials of my fave television program Modern Family with the volume of the TV on at the same time.  So many things wrong with that scenario – beginning and ending with the fact that he was singing along with Ice Cube – who I know from Law and Order SVU.  So if the guy ended up casted on Law and Order, I’m saying his music prob wasn’t so awesome to begin with?   But that’s just me.  Boyfriend will argue otherwise.

                

             Also he had like three hours while I was at school to play as much gangster music as he wanted to without a single complaint from the girlfriend. 

                There is one thing I am super excited about his iPhone for though - he agreed to let me Skype with my sister and niece using his phone.  He downloaded the app last night and I am pumped.  To be determined if I’m going to be allowed to touch the phone or not.  Something about setting me up with the phone in its case that stands up.  Whatever – I’m not the one that drops their phone twice a day.  It’s probably safer with me anyway.

Story of my life. As of 5 days ago.  

               One other thing.  If anyone really does know some real magic - as in spells.  The kind that would make me look great in a bathing suit in like - seven days.  Please let me know.  It's kind of an emergency.  And I'm not looking to give up eating ice cream. Ever.  (That's why I need the magic.)