End of an Era

                Well.  It’s official.  After half a decade, 110,000 miles (80% of which were probably accumulated on the 90), one car accident, two speeding tickets, one smashed in passenger window per the crack head in Delaware Park and 47 jump starts, I bought a new vehicle.  Goodbye Tucson, hello glorified Tucson.  Ok not really, but kind of.  I bought a Honda CR-V.  Which is like a better Tucson for all intents and purposes?  Except with all those neat features that the Tucson doesn’t have like starting when I turn the key.

 

                Boyfriend tells me that some poor high school student is going to go to an auction somewhere and end up buying the Tucson for like five dollars or something. I'm still hoping someone lets me light it on fire. Just in case they don't, I’m thinking I need to provide the next owner with a disclaimer or at least a revision to the owner’s manual.  And a set of complimentary jumper cables.  It would look something like this:

                Hope you like it super hot or super cold – the fan only works on HIGH.

Find a significant other who follows you to your job and to school and pretty much anywhere you might have to turn the car off and go inside and need to turn it on again to leave. 

Sorry about the Oxy-Clean in the cargo area and there may or may not be throw up in the passenger side door.  You can thank my boyfriend for that.  I know I did.

You will need a set of jumper cables, a spare battery and probably you should just go ahead and hire your own mechanic to ride with you everywhere.

You’re welcome for the new, upgraded radio.  Some Tucson problem solving internet board lied to me and said that would fix the battery issues so I bought that one.

As far as the “holy sh**” handle on the passenger side goes? That inexplicably fell and smacked my friend in the face one day.  It’s now in the compartment in the door – maybe super glue will help.

The tires are crap.  That’s why you have this car now and not me.  Get some new ones.

I used to have a key chain clicker.  That’s gone the way of the dinosaur.  Doesn’t matter much anyway – the locks only work when they feel like it.  Usually you have to go around all Flintstone-like, climbing over seats to let people in.

The left turn signal has started to choose when it will click off after completing the turn.  Remember this and don’t be ‘that guy’ who drives around making everyone think he’s about to make a left hand turn into oncoming traffic or the river.

I think that’s about all the tricks of the trade.  Guess it was about time to get a new, dependable vehicle.  Boyfriend confirmed with something like “I’m not jumping that thing one more time, you're going to start something on fire.”  All I know is the next Tucson owner should not plan to go farther than walking distance from their home.  So long Tucson, I’m on to smaller and shinier things. 

The Tucson's Successor

My Car Hates Me

                As a baby high school graduate I chose to attend Niagara University.  I had the time of my life.  Met some of my most favorite people in the whole world. Took out a life time worth of student loans. And walked away with an accounting degree – that did in fact, get me a job.  All things considered, it was a successful four years.    

               

               The problem with Niagara, for my parents, was its geographical location.  I picked a school just over 5 hours from their house.  Personally, I found this to be an attractive selling point.  But for people who do not like to make a weekend of dropping their kid off at school – this made for a very long day.  Consequently, they so generously purchased me a vehicle.  The Tucson – or as I like to call her these days, The Life Ruiner.

                As I’ve mentioned before, I live in Buffalo, NY.  We get to enjoy (?) all four seasons up here.  And that obviously includes *winter.* Last winter my Tucson started playing this game called “I won’t start when you tell me to.”  Great. Thanks.  Just how I want to start my mornings.  The battery would be dead every time.  So I took it to the dealer- they told me it was fine.  

“Well, then why doesn’t it turn on when I tell it to? “

“We don’t know. Here, buy a new battery and try that.”

   

             I bought two batteries last winter, and after the second one I hoped it was fixed.  It wasn’t.  I Googled.  People seemed to think it was the radio that caused this problem.  OK.  Bought a new radio, had it installed and it didn’t die again….till it got cold out.  

                This winter has been horrible.  HORRIBLE.  I’ve had to jump my car at least twenty times. I’ve taken it to multiple car places.  No one can find the problem.  There is no solution.  So please, people, stop offering me suggestions as to what it “must be.”   

               Clearly this car jumping every time I need to move it is not exactly practical.  Thankfully Boyfriend works in my building and sometimes drives me there instead of fighting with my car.  Anyway - this is what I’ve learned about jumping cars in the last week or so:

               

•  Saturn’s batteries are hidden in the depths of the trunk. 

 I learned this by reading the owner’s manual – after me and a friend of mine struggled to get the hood open only to not be able to find a battery.  And please note – there is no ‘carpet lever’ or whatever they called it to release the carpet of the trunk.  You just have to pull it up with your fingernails.  Then the cap they put on those batteries is designed so no one can get into it.  I needed some sharp pointy screwdriver looking tool to bust it open.  (My technical tool knowledge should indicate to you that I should most certainly not be working under the hood of any vehicle.)  This whole event took approx. 45mins.  Thank you Tucson.

• No matter how flustered or rushed you are – always make sure you put the plus cable on the plus side and the minus cable on the minus side.

I learned this yesterday.  I walked out of work to go to a 5:30 appt and the Tucson reached a new low – even for her.  She wouldn’t start after only sitting through the day in the parking lot.   So I called Boyfriend who was still upstairs to come rescue me.  He drove around and apparently the cap on his battery was also just as difficult to get into.  And we didn’t have sharp pointy tools on our person.  So I had to ask some kind kid who had offered to assist us to help.  Would have all been fine – except I managed to put the cables on backwards and I almost started all the cars on fire.  You should have seen the sparks.  (I clearly should not be touching anything under the hood of a car.)  I apologized profusely and we went our separate ways. 

Clearly the only solution is to light the Tucson on fire.  But boyfriend said he won’t – because it’s sitting in his driveway.

Whatever you do - DO NOT BUY THIS VEHICLE